Underneath it all, of course, is the fear that I've disappointed God somehow. The "ought to's" pile up and point the finger. Thank goodness for the Gospel! I grasped for it this morning, while still lying in bed condemning myself for not getting up yet: His love for me has never depended on my good behavior. I am not defined by my unmet ought to's.
And so I had a pretty good day, with a list of small accomplishments. I made productive choices at work. I finally ran a mile after too many months of sporadic exercise. I ate lots of vegetables. I got a library card. I cheered for my friends' softball team. I wrote a long-overdue e-mail to a heart-friend.
Thank goodness once again for the Gospel, which shows up to remind me that I'm nothing on my own. It reveals the castle I thought I was building to be nothing more than a dollhouse, clumsy and crude at best. And that's ok. If I find my worth in what I do, I'll always let myself down eventually. I can't accomplish a thing without His grace. End-of-the-day self-satisfaction leads only to early-morning self-disappointment.
Thank goodness for the Gospel. Thank goodness for my Jesus.